moments, strengths, and stars.....

Today marks a year since my dad was here one moment and gone the next. There was no 'hanging by a thread', no struggle for life, no warnings of what was to come, just ..... gone. In an instant.

I have had many thoughts on death and dealing with life after death in the last year. I have questioned things that I will never have an answer to. I have even at times blamed someone or something where there isn't any blame to cast. I have accepted there will be no answers and no one to blame. Ever.

I have grown as a person. I have adapted to a different way of life. I have learned to understand things in a completely different way, a new perspective.

I took the last week off from posting here because I was unsure how I would feel today. I was building anxieties, and when I realized this, decided it was time to do some self reflection. A week of learning. I clamored in my own anxious thoughts and eventually found peace. Peace through focusing on what has come from this - which actually are a lot of things that I can say would make my daddy proud!

We will never appreciate the sunshine if we haven't had the rain. ... I have a hard time admitting how often I get stuck. Boy, my wheels will be spinning, but I can't seem to catch my footing. This last week, I battled with sinking into self pity or rising to acknowledge the positive that has come from the events in the last year. I had several 'sit downs' with myself, and luckily now, I am grateful for my strength to recognize all the beauty in my life and all the things that were gifted to me from this. When life stops you dead in your tracks, sometimes you have no other options but to reboot, recharge, and start growing again.

My relationship with my dad has actually deepened after his death, just by indulging in a relationship with Rose (his horse). I've never cared for horses, but now see the attraction to these sensitive, strong, beastly creatures. I had every right to be intimidated by them my whole life. There is a saying that horses are a mirror to your soul. I believe this to be true. I have always thought of myself as bold, adventurous, and wild at heart - not afraid of much, but in all honesty, I never put myself in the position to be afraid of much. I never had to put myself in front of a horse until daddy left. I could shrug off my fear and pretend it wasn't there easily if I didn't have to be directly in contact with her - I loved watching how majestic she was from a distance, but I never felt the need to get to know her..I never knew the work involved in bonding with her. Until now. I can see Rose is much the same. She was used to being admired from a distance, and enjoyed people being at a distance - never made to do anything that made her uncomfortable, and free.... In her new life at the farm with me, she is asked to do some things she doesn't want to do - things that benefit her though, actually make her a good horse, a mentally healthy horse with a good sense of balance. The kind of things that I was not comfortable doing with her either. This is where the mirror comes in. Here I am, this fearless gal that has really never pushed her limits. Now I can say that is not true. I have teared up (yes really cried)  in my fears in the last week and been forced to face them with people that have been doing this type of training for decades - to be honest between the two that have really broken through my 'safety' walls, there is over 75 years of combined professional experience behind them. They are my accountability. That and the drive in me that I have always had to never give up once I have started something. The mirror to my soul has shown me the truth about my fears, the secret fight to hide it (in never putting myself in the position to show it), and the urge to keep going. Rose and I are both involved in some deep schooling and I cannot wait to grow from this experience even more.

When strong sudden storms threaten to rattle your foundation that you've worked so hard to build, it is time to look around at your friends and family, and hold tight. The storms will bring all the good things closer, and make more obvious the things you need to let go of.... Fear of the unknown was one of those things for me and now, I am letting go a little at a time.... like life itself, most things we will never have control over. All we can do, is react to those things in a way that doesn't disrupt our peace. This is what builds character. This is what builds confidence. These are lessons I needed to learn.

The night after daddy died, there was a halo around the moon. I suddenly remembered how much he loved astronomy. He bought me my first telescope. I still have an old astrology book he gave me that he had as a small boy. I look up regularly at the night sky from my hammock after doing the animal chores, and some nights the stars seem to shine so much brighter - the 200 BILLION stars that we know of, and it brings me such comfort, to be reminded that I was brought up to appreciate the mysteries of life, not be afraid of them. As we get older, our experiences make us fearful. There is so much more to life, and by boxing ourselves up because of certain fears, we may never see the beauty in the unknowns. I need this reminder regularly because it is much easier said than done.

My eyes have opened wider to the good that the hearts around me are doing. I am seeing things so much clearer, and I am realizing that there is nothing you can't conquer when family and friends have your back. Sometimes I'll have no options. Sometimes, there is only one choice, and I have to be ok with that. Sometimes, I will NEVER figure it out. I have learned to adapt to a lot of change in the last year, and there isn't one thing that has happened that didn't cause positive growth.... I cannot tell you how many times in the last year I have asked myself,  "What am I DOING??"  and each time I grew a little trying to figure it out.... :)  Our existence is not about control, but about how we can imagine the world. It is when we come face to face with raw nature, that our own strengths are revealed to us, most times surprising us. This has been a lesson learned most in dealing with Rose. Every being has a will. A way. It is through building character, that we can work together and figure it out together, but only by stepping out of the comfort zone.....

1 comment:

  1. This is a wonderful post, thank you for sharing your perspective and thoughts!