I grew up in a hard working family in which both my parents worked their asses off. My mom worked in factories “on the line”, and then went on to become a foreman at one of those factories. She later started her own business and continues to work. My dad was a welder and a truck driver. My brother and I both did odd jobs at young ages for cash, and then when legally able at 15, we obtained work permits and worked after school.
Grandparents and great grandparents were also pretty much mules. My great grandfather was in the local paper in West Virginia for being in his mid 90s and still actively working as a blacksmith. We learned never to do anything half-assed. To take pride and ownership of whatever it was we started.
This is a double edged sword for me as I take on all the things I choose to, with this mindset. It allows me to work whole heartedly and feel good about it, take pride in it, rather than let discouragement or fear of failure ever take away an opportunity from me. It is how I have won at life’s games a few times BUT..... it also puts me in a position to work through physical things that probably don’t need to be ignored.... For instance, since 2016 I have been carrying on like normal for the most part, but with much more fatigue than normal, because I have been suffering from severe anemia along with a slew of other ailments. I used to be so active, a daily runner, very physically fit, and super aware of how important the daily physical exertion was linked to my emotional well-being. What I was ignoring was that I was literally running on empty. Like pushing myself to a point where the doctor couldn’t believe I didn’t come in sooner. She called my tolerance for this condition ‘uncommon’.
I guess I do have a high tolerance when it comes to pain and fatigue, and when my body is telling me to stop, my brain tells me “Push through it. You got this. Surgery is scary and you’ve never had to stay in the hospital before.” And I have been pushing through... but this time almost got me in trouble. So, in the coming weeks, when my hemoglobin is stabilized enough for surgery, I will be having a much needed surgery and by next year finally be able to enjoy life once again. Of course I informed my doctor that this would need to be outpatient (in which she laughed and said “Um. Nope. You will be in the hospital for a few days.”)...
This means I will be figuring out a feeding arrangement for the animals for those few days, as well as boarding for my very special needs Reece, who still requires special handling that I would never put on Christian due to the risks. Reece will be staying with his trainer for a few days (he loves and trusts her), and we will figure out the least stressful way to do this over the next several weeks.
Once I am home, Reece will be easy, he’s got his yard, and can go without a proper walk for a week if needed. My mom has offered to help with the evening farm chores, because Christian doesn’t get home most days until after dark. I’m glad I didn’t do irreversible damage, and definitely learned a lesson about my headstrong drive and when to listen to my body, and to stop ‘half-assing’ when it comes to my health because of fear. My brother gave me an inspiring “you are a effing badass” talk, and let me know this was all gonna work out just fine and offered his support in any way I needed.
I’ll miss several weeks from my day job in the recovery, and I’ll miss some fun to be had on the farm as well, but I’m tired of feeling drained, empty, and depleted all the time. This has been years in the making and I’ve been stubborn about it using the ol’ ‘fake it til you make it’ mentality thinking the need for surgery would pass if I ignored it. Boy, was I wrong!
Anyway, I am gonna be productive in other ways while I heal and I am so glad I got my shop in order the last few weeks! I still want to do a few more things the next few weeks, and will likely be spending lots of time in there meditating and enjoying the quiet and calmness I have created out there after surgery and while I am healing.
That shop serves many purposes. I have my personal little gym in there, I have my yoga mat and acupressure mat out there, and also all of my ‘work-outside-of-work’ stuff (Etsy, Fox & The Forest), so I’m hoping not to get too bored. Sitting still is so very hard for me, but the shop will be the easiest place to do it. Lots of good feels out there. I leave you with a few more pics of my sweet little work space/ zen den/ bitch barn.
I absolutely love it and since I brought it to life after being abandoned and scary and left to crumble into a pile of rubble for at least a decade, I get a lot from being in this most peaceful and magical space. This was something that was done with the most pure intentions, and although it isn’t quite used for what I had planned, it has evolved into what I needed. So, back to come around full circle, after this surgery, I hope to be where I need to be! Back to running, feeling healthy again, and not allowing fear of the unknown to allow me to half-ass anything - including my health!!!