frugal fashionable farmer: Life, Fathers's Day, Farm Pics.........

I haven't talked too much about my situation over the last several months, only because it felt so out of control at times and I really didn't know what to say. To start from the beginning and give you the shorter version (which is still pretty long), my dad was killed in an auto accident on January 27, 2015. My dad had full custody of my teenage sister at the time and due to some unresolved family matters, I stepped up to raise my sister for the next four months while she finished up her school year. This meant living at my dad's home which was two hours away from my own. This meant commuting two hours each way to work and back to my dad's. This meant in the course of those four months, I put 18,000 miles on my trusty Nissan Altima. Once a week (usually every single Tuesday), I would drive seven hours a day just to make sure she had everything she needed, made it to school, and any after school engagements. This made my car act up and have to be put in the shop several times during those four months which made me even more frustrated. This meant I hardly ever saw Christian and Baby and during this time, Baby also passed away from a battle with a brain tumor. My life felt like it was falling apart more and more each day. So many times I wanted to give up, throw in the towel, and just walk away. Sacrificing all things important to me for the sake of doing what I felt my dad would have wanted me to do, didn't get me any thanks from my sister - not even once. I guess when you are a teenager, you are too self absorbed to even grasp the reality of how selfless others can be in order to try to make your life the best that it can be. A side effect of all that driving, total life shift, and the reality of not being able to really grieve my dad's death due to the 'survival mode' I was forced to shift into, I never found time to exercise (which is a HUGE dose of balance for me), I ate horrible, and I was forced to neglect my animals (my daily dose of therapy), and luckily Christian was the biggest rock for me during this time and cared for all my farm critters until I returned. My brother and I kept my dad's house long enough to let our sister finish school, and almost a month ago, I had to step down and let someone else take over the 'guardian' role. I was completely exhausted and running on empty. I set up a court date to relinquish my role as guardian and it then transferred to another one of her sisters. To be honest, this was a huge relief. I had endured four months of teenage angst and for someone who had completely walked away from her own life to raise another, I needed to get home. I reached the ultimate peaceful place this past weekend when for the very first time since my dad's death, I felt really great - really strong and it was all due to being able to close a chapter in my life and start a new one. My dad had a horse, an old golden retriever, and an elderly cat. I was able to rehome the cat, and move the horse and dog to my farm this past weekend - just in time for Father's Day!! In the three weeks since I have been back home, I was finally able to start the grieving process, working through my resentments surrounding the last four months I was away. I was upset that I didn't get to spend Baby's last two months she was alive with her. I was upset that my animals felt I had abandoned them. I was upset more than anything though, that my sister never understood everything I did for her. I have slowly turned my resentments into lessons in life. I have realized that you cannot make someone see something that they are not ready for, and I know that no matter what feelings I may have had about the situation when I was living it, I can and have moved forward with the utmost confidence that I did all I could. I gave it my all. 100% and my daddy is so proud of me. So, I am back home, with my dad's babies, my farm critters are so happy I am home, and a week after I got home, my car finally died. I walked right into the car dealership and felt my daddy by my side during the whole fiasco. I haggled the price, my trade in, and the interest rate. When all was said and done, I drove off that car lot in a new, fun, sporty toy that my dad would have agreed on 100%. I realize that I needed to go through all those things that made me frustrated and temporarily jaded in order to gain a newfound respect for the life I came back to. I came out of all of that just fine and gained a new perspective. I have a more positive attitude in life and take the time to admire and appreciate the little things that maybe I didn't notice as much before. Life is good, I am still standing, and I realized that I was so much stronger than I had ever imagined, thanks to the huge amount of support from my mom and brother, as well as my friends. With that being said, it is time for new beginnings, and I can't recall ever feeling so excited about what is to come from this life!! I want to share some photos of just me and my dad and some of our recent memories.....

This one is from when I was 12. Dad was such a joker and was having the best time getting ready for my very first date ever to show up to the house. Sawed off shotgun, and huge grin, daddy welcomed the scrawny 13 yr old Josef Dukes....

This was from 2013 when daddy and I were in Vegas with lots of family for the 'Thrasher Brothers' getting into the "Aerial Circus Hall of Fame". Cool experience and me and dad got a lot of fun one on one time together walking, exploring, and eating in Sin City.

Last year, Father's Day 2014. At one of my brother's shows. Daddy drove the tour bus for my brother, mom and stepdad sold merchandise, and I was the photographer. So much fun working with my whole family!! Even though mom and dad divorced years ago, they became really great friends and remained that way until the end! What a perfect example of love!!

This was from when we ate at Gorgon Ramsay's BurGR joint! Yes, they were good, but they couldn't touch a 'daddy burger'!!

I couldn't stop looking at the last communications with my dad after he passed on January 27, and even sent out a desperate last text, hoping it was all a bad nightmare.... I have gained a lot of comfort in knowing he didn't suffer, and was at the top of his game when he went. I will always miss him, but am so fortunate to never have had to see him suffer.

This is from last Saturday ..... One last moment at my dad's..... Thanks for this beautiful picture, Jeannie!!!! It really captured the moment.

Then she was loaded up, and on her way to her new home!!

Eddie got all ready for transport....

.....and then we were off!

Unloaded at the new home and being walked into the new field! Eeeeeek! I was balling!!!

First encounter with the goats...

Eddie loves it! He gives it four paws up!

...me and Rose.... what a magical weekend! Happy Father's Day to the best dad everrrrrr!

Now since things are getting back to some normalcy at the farm, I decided to let the goats have their photoshoot days back as well..... Here's Ellie in all her sunkissed glory....